An uncontrollable pressure relief valve for the questionably sane.

The Fear

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An Exercise in Catharsis

I don’t know if it’s coming from outside or inside, but I’m riddled with anxiety.  I hope it all comes from external stimuli, but I admit perspective contributes largely to the problem.  I wrote this in a fit of anxiety, some might call it a panic attack, I call it “that time of the day.”  I don’t necessarily believe everything on the list, but all the ideas affect me, right or wrong it’s a search for truth. It’s an ongoing work-in-progress, although I’ve only worked on it one time. Compare notes with me and feel free to add or subtract to the list for you personal enjoyment.  If you’ve got any good ones let me know what I missed:

Written 5/11/2011:

If I could give everyone a piece of advice it would be “Calm the Fuck Down!”  I say this lovingly. This is not advice I personally follow as much as I’d like.  I’m riddled with anxiety at any given time of day, particularly the mornings before 11 o’clock or so.  I don’t know the actual reasons, I merely have fleeting glimpses and intuition.

  • Maybe it’s all the clocks and phones around me, just waiting to go off
  • Maybe it’s because I spend too much time staring at multiple monitors throughout the day.  Maybe it’s because I can’t see the stars at night, the city lights choke them out.
  • Maybe I need more exercise even though I exercise four or five times a week
  • Maybe I need to meditate more
  • Maybe it’s the consistent low-level anxiety caused from having a young child
  • Maybe it’s because I watch or read the news.
  • Maybe it’s because I don’t have a real job and everyone thinks you’re supposed to.
  • Maybe my meds need to be recalibrated
  • Maybe  it’s because I’m prescribed meds that I don’t really need
  • Maybe it’s peak oil.
  • Maybe I’m afraid that I’m afraid for no reason
  • Maybe it’s only my perspective and everything’s fine
  • Maybe it’s all the conspiracy shows I watch streaming into my Playstation at night.
  • Maybe it’s the hormones in the chicken or the BPA in my plastic drinking bottles.
  • Maybe it’s all those pesky pesticides sneaking into my diet from so-called “organic” vegetables.
  • Maybe it’s because the brake light just came on in my truck and I don’t feel like paying for another repair.
  • Maybe it’s the dropping barometric pressure that affects my arthritis (I’m only 33-years-old).  Maybe it’s all the sugar I ate as a kid.
  • Maybe it’s hydrogenated oil.
  • Maybe it’s the fluctuating global financial crisis and I’m worried the typically stalwart American Dollar will fail, and all the work we’ve put into saving money will have been for naught.
  • Maybe it’s rising gas prices
  • Maybe it’s the extra billion bourgeois that just popped out of China
  • Maybe it’s the extra billion bourgeiois that just popped out of India
  • Maybe it’s Tsunamis.  Or Earthquakes.
  • Maybe it’s because I haven’t read enough.
  • Maybe it’s because I read too much.
  • Maybe it’s because I just got an IPhone and I don’t care about it’s amazing utilitarian functionality because it will be useless once our power grid fails.  That or because my face looked terrible on it’s camera.
  • Maybe it’s  the faltering American infrastructure
  • Maybe it’s because Warren Buffet is investing in the railroads
  • Maybe it’s because Rome fell
  • Maybe it’s because Greece fell.  They seemed nicer, generally, although I never knew them.
  • Maybe it’s because the government inflicted the AIDS virus on Africa
  • Maybe it’s because of the Bay of Tonkin
  • Maybe it’s the Fed
  • Maybe it’s the Rockefellers, or the Queen, The Pope, or Colonel Sanders
  • Maybe it’s because I don’t know who to trust anymore
  • Maybe it’s because my Spanish is lousy and I’m gonna need it soon
  • Maybe it’s because I smoke too much weed (not lately, unfortunately)
  • Maybe it’s because I drink too much (not lately, unfortunately)
  • Maybe it’s because I took some mushrooms and now I’m legally crazy
  • Maybe it’s because I don’t get out enough
  • Maybe it’s because I still like books and everyone else is buying Kindles
  • Maybe it’s because I don’t get enough sex
  • Maybe it’s because I get plenty, even though I’ve never even had a threesome.
  • Maybe it’s because people work their asses off to be more productive for people who don’t care about them only so they can buy crap they don’t need and then throw it away so they can upgrade their crap with bigger, shinier, new crap.
  • Maybe it’s because Starbucks denied my application to open a micro-location in my anus.
  • Maybe it’s because I need new clothes but I hate shopping
  • Maybe it’s because my feet hurt all the time, and we all know sore feet make people grumpy
  • Maybe it’s because I’m six feet tall instead of six-one.
  • Maybe it’s because my Body Mass Index doesn’t seem to add up
  • Maybe it’s because I inherited thick ankles
  • Maybe it’s because time travel hasn’t been invented yet (that I know of)
  • Maybe it’s because I can’t decide if I need quiet-alone-time or a party
  • Maybe it’s because the moon is waning instead of waxing
  • Maybe it’s because my pillow isn’t firm enough
  • Maybe my pillow’s too lumpy
  • Maybe it’s because I consume products like everyone else but can’t tolerate automated customer service 800-numbers
  • Maybe it’s because I can’t drink out of the stream
  • Maybe it’s because it’s nearly impossible to homestead in America
  • Maybe it’s because packs of genetically modified seeds cost $3.00 but I can buy 3 bunches of cilantro for $1.00.
  • Maybe it’s because Kanye thinks George Bush hates black people.
  • Maybe it’s because George Bush hates black people.
  • Maybe it’s because people hate George Bush.
  • Maybe it’s because Obama is in over his head and inherited a nation in crisis, he could really fuck us up.
  • Maybe it’s because I sometimes have trouble remembering lessons from 10th grade Civics class
  • Maybe it’s because I started school a year early and wasn’t developed enough to play football
  • Maybe it’s because I never really wanted to play sports
  • Maybe it’s all those Dungeons & Dragons kids I used to hang out with
  • Maybe it’s because comic book nerds are winning Pulitzer Prizes
  • Maybe it’s because I’m not a comic book nerd any more
  • Maybe it’s………….
  • …plenty more where that came from

Written by billlobe

July 14, 2011 at 11:06 am

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